After nearly a year without seeing a psychiatrist, I decided to consult a psychologist to maintain my sanity. I didn’t have any major complaints, I just wanted to preserve my sanity. 

Lo and behold, exactly one month ago I met Adam, a young psychologist in Bintaro, South Tangerang.

We talked a lot during that 60-minute session. More precisely, I did most of the talking. Little did I know that I had a lot of untold stories. 

Responding to what I told him, Adam said I’m in a “new normal” phase. He said this new normal is the final boss of my previous therapy, a kind of return to a “normal” life, with its unique dynamic and inevitable ups and downs.

I was struck by everything Adam said about this new normal. I admitted to him that I’ve long dreamed of living a “normal” life like most people. The word “normal,” for me, is relative to my observation, and maybe only meaningful within the context of my life.

But ironically, the new normal I’ve wanted feels really strange, flat, and boring. I even feel like I’ve lost my ambition. I no longer have many desires, not even for things I once considered priorities.

Because I feel this loss of ambition, I feel sidelined from my professional and social circles, which are full of ambitious people. It’s not that I feel defeated or that I’ve given up; it’s that I sense my path is going in a different direction, somewhere unknown. That path feels unfamiliar, flat, and dull. My life is just moving day to day.

“You feel this new normal is strange because now you can feel your emotions. In this situation you might not know yet which way your life is headed, but you’ve already begun to leave behind your old identity and rhythm.”

Can you feel my confusion now?

I am leaving point A, heading to the unknown point B, with no imagination nor expectation what the point B exactly will be.

When I asked where my life is headed now, of course Adam couldn’t answer. I immediately felt very unsettled and anxious. I’m used to finding answers to my questions, but now, even with someone else’s help, I can’t find them.

Seeing me looking anxious, Adam helped me reframe this lost-direction situation. He said this is actually a good opportunity to rebuild myself and recreate the sense of safety and standards I once had.

He suggested, “If you’ve lost direction, live day by day for now. Just live Give yourself permission to feel safe in that rhythm, no matter how boring it feels to you. Also, start rebuilding deeper connections with the people around you, even with new people.”

After so many terrible things that happened to me over the past year and a half, I’ve understandably questioned my identity, whether I deserve my current place, and my outlook on life.

Today marks exactly one month since my first meeting with Adam. Although I agreed with everything he said and suggested, I haven’t been able to put it into practice very well. Everything is still in my head, processed with the limits of my understanding.

For a month, some days I’m extremely anxious and disturbed by the uncertainty — by questions about which direction I should take, and whether I’m still worthy of my current position.

Being at zero and rebuilding is truly difficult and produces a lot of anxiety about things I once regarded as trivial.

Now I feel like I have nothing to hold onto, floating on a vast ocean. Right now I’m still searching for the nearest island to dock at, or at least a way to save myself from sinking.

I want my feet on solid ground, on sand. I want to breathe easily without that urge to struggle just to stay afloat. 

I want to feel myself standing again on my own two feet, fully aware and balanced. After that, I will learn to walk again, and then, slowly, to run.